So I've been really moody and bipolar the past few days and also craving potatoes the past week.  So I know what's up: PMS.  Gah, it's a bitch.  I feel fine pretty much the entire rest of the month, even when I start, except for the few days I get PMS.  Then it's full-on depression, moodiness, generally suckiness, weird cravings, and just wanting to lie in bed with the covers pulled up over my head.  And lately I've been feeling kind of lonely because the of the Tyler thing and the fact that if he were single, he wouldn't pick me anyway.

Okay, I'm making myself more depressed, and I really don't need to.  It's just that it's a Friday and everyone's off doing stuff and I'm stuck here alone.  Also, last night I had a weird dream about kissing Thomas, which is so weird and not good at all.  I think it was more me wishing I had someone to kiss and my brain programming Thomas in it.  Why couldn't it have been Tyler or better yet, Toma?  I need to get over this because it's not going to happen with me moping around going, "Oh, woe is me, I have no guy in my life, even a good guy friend."  But it's not just that, either.  It's that I don't have any friends to hang out with.  Everyone's so busy lately because it's almost Thanksgiving, so all of the papers are due.  I have quite a few myself, but it's Friday for crying out loud.

We were supposed to study Japanese in the library today, and only Thomas showed up.  And of course I thought about the dream, so it felt totally weird.  Plus, sometimes I just don't know what to say, so there are these silences that feel awkward.  We didn't study for long.  Jenn didn't even show up.  I think from now on, I'll just study on my own.  No one seems to care anymore.  Even Thomas said that everyone thinks Japanese is just an extra class.  Nothing much to get excited about.  But for me, it is.  I REALLY want to learn Japanese.  I actually want to become fluent.  I've never wanted to do that before.  I admit, I have slightly delusional intentions for this, but dag nabbit, I've lived this long believing anything is possible.  Can't I continue living that way and keeping my faith in humanity?

Can someone help me out with conundrum?

I basically have two choices after I graduate.  I thought I'd have to stay here another semester, but now it's looking like I'll graduate on time.  So now I'm back to my original two choices.

OPTION 1: I go to grad school.  The grad school I'm seriously considering more than any other is Indiana University because they have pretty much everything I want and need in a grad school, Japanese classes and financial aid included.  I'd have to move to Indiana, but it's not as far from home as San Francisco is.  I have relatives 30 minutes away, and I wouldn't have to buy a plane ticket to get back during the holidays.  The only problem is that the 'rents might decide to move up there with me.  Then again, they might not.  Basically, if I choose grad school, I'll be working more quickly toward my goal of becoming a published author.

OPTION 2: I don't go to grad school yet.  I stay here in Bowling Green and get a place with Craig and maybe someone else I know if they're up for it.  We could share a house or apartments or something.  I'd get a job in Bowling Green and probably work full-time to pay rent and then saving up for grad school.  The point of this is to slowly move away from home instead of all at once.  Also during this time I work on my books and trying to get published.

Ya know something, though...with this written out like this, I feel like I don't really want to do Option 2.  I don't want to stay at Western, it's true.  But do I really want to spend the majority of my time just working?  I'd be working at grad school, of course, but I'd also be taking classes and working on my writing.  And I could also get an internship somewhere.  I think the main question I'm trying to figure out is how will I react to being somewhere else?  Somewhere I'm unfamiliar with.  This is if I get into Indiana U.  But the thing is, it's not like it's all the way across the country.  I can stay there during the summer and get used to it.  I do have relatives nearby that I can go to if need be.  And also, I plan on asking Meg Cabot if, in the even she spends some of the summer in Bloomington, I can be her intern.  Free of charge.  It'd be a great experience as well as getting to work with one of my favorite authors.

So...I think I made a decision.

PMS still sucks, though.